Communication is not always easy. It is not always kind. Nor it is always effective. Other times, it may be all these things, but the message is missed if the receiving party does not agree, and you have a difference of opinion. Conflict is a part of life. However, there are effective ways to handle nonviolent conflict and still be able to work together afterward. Here are a few examples:
You Are Mad Because… When we allow someone to upset us, yes, allow. It is generally an indicator that one of our core values is being attacked. Before you stop listening to what they are saying and start formulating your response so you can fire back, think about why the comment made you upset in the first place. Often, it has nothing to do with the person, but more to do with us. For example, if you always felt like your work was never good enough and a coworker reviews your work and says “I cannot believe you are already finished.” You are immediately offended because now your work has been attacked, right? Wrong. First, ask for clarity. “What do you mean when you say you cannot believe I am already done?” You now allow the supposed offender to explain the reasoning behind the comment. “Well, you completed the assignment, but you tend to be a perfectionist and go back and forth making changes – even though the work is already good – so I was surprised to see you submit your work without the additional revisions.” Now that an explanation has been provided, the statement was more of a compliment to the work you supply and not an insult to your work or your character. “But what if the comment was given with malicious intent, even after it was explained?” If the comment was not made with good intentions, then it is your responsibility to decide how you will let another person’s words impact you. You are not responsible for what other people say and do, but you are responsible for how to decide to react. You can calmly state that you do not agree with their comment and possibly do not understand why it was said. You can even go as far as to ask why they felt the need to say it. It looks something like this: “It upsets me when you say that I always turn in my work late because deadlines are important to me, so I put a lot of effort into turning my projects in before they are due. Why do you believe I turn my work in late?” There may be a specific incident that caused the person to make this comment. It now provides them with the opportunity to explain. Or maybe they chose not to. Either way, you should be able to move on. Being upset over what someone said is a “You” problem. They are not responsible for how their words made you feel. You are. Your feelings and emotions are your responsibility. No one else. No one should have that much power over you for it to be theirs.
Show Empathy. Allow the other person to fully express themself – even if you do not agree – before attempting to provide resolution, rebuttal, or relief. As you listen, pay attention to what the other person needs and the feelings behind their words as opposed to just the words coming out of their mouth. Once they finish speaking, repeat with you heard with the emotion and feelings that you heard with it. For example, after a rant about a coworker, you may repeat: “I understand you are upset because you feel your coworker took advantage of your friendship when they did not complete their portion of the priority task. [Allow them to answer.] You also feel their intent was for you to fail because they are jealous that you recently received praise from your manager.” Again, wait for an answer. The story (or rant) may not have been spoken in these exact words, but when you listen for the feeling, you can determine what the person is trying to say even if they are not doing a good job at communicating it. “But sometimes I need to cut them off, so I do not forget what I have to say.” No, you don’t. Interrupting another person is a nonverbal indicator that what you have to say is more important than what they are saying and may further damage a relationship if this happens during the conflict. “It is hard for me to empathize when I need empathy too.” You cannot give what you do not have. During this time, it can be beneficial to communicate with the other person what is limiting your ability to empathize with them – which can allow them to give you the outlet you need. “But why should I waste empathy on my manager? They make more money than I do. They have everything they need and are paid to deal with stress.” True, it is harder to empathize with someone when we see them in a position of power and have more status and resources. Managers are human too. A title or status does not eliminate their need to be heard. Continue to listen for the need as they speak, and you will be better able to address their request and be a better employee for it.
Objectivity Is Key. There is a saying that perception is reality. There are many opportunities where this can be true. However, we should not assume that is always the case. When communicating with others, it is important to note, objectively, what we saw or heard. Adding frequency to your description of an event, like “always” and “never” tend to be an exaggeration and can alter the perception of the message. For example, your manager is looking for your coworker one morning. Responding with, “He is always late!” as opposed to “He usually arrives after 10 AM.” Arriving after 10 AM can be validated and does not include your prejudice of how you perceive your coworker. It allows the person you are communicating with to make their own decisions and observations. Additionally, you do not want biased opinions of you. So, instead of telling your coworker how the new manager does like you and always criticizes your work. Maybe you can say, I did not hear the new manager respond when I said “hello” in the hallway this morning and gave my assignment back to me three times before it was accepted. You have now listed facts and also allowed your audience to come to their conclusion without feeling like they have to take on yours.
Communication is key to any successful relationship. When we stop giving other people the power to decide if we get to be happy, ignore their need to express themselves, and try to make our biases the truth, we damage the lines of communication with others. We can then be perceived as angry, selfish, and not a good listener. None of which may be true, but now we have caused others to communicate about us using the same method we use to communicate with them.
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